When it comes to shutting down diet culture-y, food and body shame-y talk around the holidays, there is no shortage of scripts, role playing reels, and clever comebacks you can choose from. And they’re… fine. Setting boundaries is great - I’ve spoken about a technique you can use to do that here. But what if you don’t feel like being a grownup? Or keeping the peace? And you just want to watch the world burn…?
Then look no further. I have alllll the salty comebacks you’ll need this holiday season! They are guaranteed to get grandparents to STFU about how much your kid is eating. I’ll give you your money back if they don’t stop your aunt Susan talking about how ‘naughty’ she is. And I promise your mum will never comment on your weight again.
Full disclosure: I wrote this at 4am while being kneed in the back by a three year old. Please don’t unsubscribe.
- Look the offender dead in the eye and shout ‘DO YOU LIKE EELS, BOYH?’ in your best cockney accent.
- Throw your head back suddenly and violently and and howl at an invisible moon.
- Start singing the theme song to Fresh Prince (no link bc you already know the words and if you don’t then GTFO).
- Pretend that the whole Christmas lunch is actually an elaborate ploy and is really an intervention for whomever has crossed you.
- Do as my 3 year old does at most meals and pretend to shoot plasma from your fork while yelling “PEW PEW PEW” (not directly at them; you’re not a monster). Bonus points for standing up on your chair while doing this.
- Make music in the style of Gene Belcher
- “OH IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU GET ANTS!”
- Look straight past the culprit at an apparition that has appeared over their shoulder. Scream. Run out of the room. Repeat as many times as is necessary for them to STFU.
- Pretend to be a cat for the rest of the meal. Only respond to questions with ‘meow’. Occasionally lick your hand as though it were a paw, and wipe behind your ear. Bonus: get off your chair and sit on the table. Bat random objects onto the floor with your paw-hand.
Say ‘Gonnae no dae that’ while solemnly shaking your head in a gentle lilt to maximise your disappointment. Failing that, turn the lights out, put on the torch on your phone, and pump this while dancing erratically and pointing at your family members who are ‘wank’. Bonus points if someone is called Brenda
BONUS: stand with your arms outstretched and declare “I LOVE BREAD. I. Love. Bread.”, and sit back down without explanation. Bonus points for subverting a weight-loss ad.
LET ME KNOW YOUR SALTY CLAPBACKS IN THE COMMENTS! And in all sincerity if you do *any* of these IRL I will send you a signed copy of my book. Fuck it. Both of my books. Happy Holidays!
But fr, fr. Per last week, please feel free to use this space to vent/scream/take a deep exhale. Do you need solidarity and support around food shaming/diet-y comments? Have you brushed up against some gnarly fatphobia? Are you struggling with your relationship to food and your body and worry about feeling triggered about spending time with certain people? Do you have a selective eater and are gearing up to bat off comments about what or how much they're eating? Or maybe your kiddo’s body has changed a lot since they last saw relatives and you’re feeling anxious about shutting down unsolicited body talk? Think of the comments section as a soft landing pad where you can get support and solidarity from others folks who get it.
Links + Reccs
- This fat skater is giving so much joy
- We still don’t deserve Lizzo
- Rowan Ellis does a deep dive on Almond Moms and the foray into 2010’s vegan YouTube is a TRIP.
- Why are all the portrayals of millennial motherhood rooted in dread?
- In cookie news - the history of the Biscoff cookie!
- And this was a beautiful reminder of how feeding people is a deep act of care and love from . We offer food to fortify and sustain the people we love. Eating offers hope. When we lost Bloo a few weeks ago, I knew hope was gone when he stopped eating.
‘If she eats, we thought, that’s a good sign. If she eats, it means she still has energy to fight. If she just keeps eating, maybe she won’t die.’
Last minute addition (and why this is going out a few mins late - I needed to find the link!) SCOTTISH GRITTERS live tracking season is upon us. The names are hilarious, but maybe only if you are fluent in Doric or some other Scots dialect? Grit like i’day? 🤣
A half formed idea…
January marks the 5th anniversary since Just Eat It was published (WILD). I’ve been thinking a lot about what has changed in that time (so much) and I’ll share some reflections on this in Jan. But I also wondered how people would feel about a (slow, gentle) book club. Technically there are 13 chapters, buttttt, I figured we could probably do a roughly once-a-month situation. I haven’t fleshed this out at all yet, but I thought about maybe taking some of the ideas in each chapter, reflecting on what I might say differently now, how I currently conceptualise and work with the principles of Intuitive Eating in my clinical practice (as a Tuesday essay) and helping you think and work through parts that feel sticky for you (maybe in an AMA thread type format once a month?). And the idea would be that you follow along by reading the chapters/doing the activities etc…
Completely just spitballing this idea - but if it sounds like maybe something you might be interested in, let me know in the poll below.
ICYMI this week: The 2023 CIHAS Reader Survey Results - Part 2
