Dear Laura... did I cause my kid's picky eating?

Hey team - welcome to the first ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to submit a question for me to answer next month - submit it here. I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.

Ok so our first reader’s question was sent in through Instagram - let’s rumble:

For me I constantly question if I’m doing ‘this’ all correctly. We don’t talk about good and bad foods, we don’t make a big deal out of so called ‘treats’ and my 3yo often has an ice cream in the park for instance with no big deal made about it, BUT we also don’t really offer pudding (because we never had it pre-baby so it’s not in our routine) and we prefer dark chock so don’t really have sweeter milk choc around so he doesn’t really have exposure to it much.

And now I’m finding that my formerly broccoli loving child has basically stopped eating veg, although he is a fruit fiend, and is more limited in what he eats at home than I ‘hoped’ for, having said that he apparently eats everything at nursery.

So I guess my question is am I doing this right or can you see some glaring errors that might make him more ‘fussy’?

Oh ALSO he cannot stay at the table. Drives me mad and I don’t know how to manage it? I never lose my temper because I don’t want it to become a battle/negative experience but how can I encourage him to stay at the table?

As a person who has spent three decades with disordered ways of eating I’m desperate to get it right with my kids but feel like I’m failing them already. Any wisdom so appreciated!

Before we get to this response - just a head’s up that I am not this person’s (or your family’s) nutritionist - these answers are for general information and education. They are not medical advice or a substitute for 1-1 consultation. Please take the parts that feel supportive, and leave the rest. If your kid is eating an extremely limited diet, or displays any of these signs - please reach out for professional support.

WOOOOOOOOF.

There’s a lot to unpack in here, but before I answer the question specifically, I just want to offer this parent an absolute fuck ton of compassion. Even in the anti-diet world, there is an inordinate amount of pressure on parent’s to feed their kids ‘right’. This is partly why I wanted to step back from a more conventional ‘expert’ role and stop giving so much generic advice on Instagram - it felt a lot like I was replicating the same problematic, binary, rules-based approaches to eating that we see in weight-centric, diet-y spaces (especially among nutrition momfluencers - a whole thing we’ll get into another time). We put so much pressure on ourselves to follow the Division of Responsibility to the letter. We become afraid to set boundaries when our kid is on their 25th cookie of the day for fear we are restricting them. We tie ourselves in knots trying to find the best words to say so they don’t get the message that ice cream is a ‘treat’. It’s a lot.

So, let me be really clear here - there is no single ‘right’ way to feed your kids. There is only the way that works for you and your family. Fuck, I don’t even follow DoR to the letter with my own kid.

What I can tell from your question is that you’re working really hard to keep foods neutral and are really considerate about protecting your kiddo’s relationship with food. This will all go a really long way.

And, you don’t need to martyr yourself.

Ok so let’s address your concerns head-on.