Dear Laura... I’m freaking out about what my kids eat - but is it really about them?

Hey team - welcome ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to submit a question for me to answer next month - then you can leave it as a comment below or submit it here.

I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, developing a more peaceful relationship to food and weight-inclusive health, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.

Just a reminder before we get to this month’s Q that, although I am a Registered Nutritionist, I am not your nutritionist. These questions are intended for information and education, and not meant to replace individual care.

Here’s this month’s question from Nat:

Dear Laura,

I have two boys - 13 and 16, and struggle with their food ALL OF THE TIME.

I have a past riddled with eating disorders, and am desperate they don’t grow up to have a screwed relationship with food, BUT, I’m also unlearning ‘wellness culture’, ‘clean eating’ and fat phobia, and it’s hard work going against what has been ingrained in me for decades.

The thing I struggle to let go of is that I find myself always wanting the best possible nutrition for them at all times, and worry what anything outside of this is doing to their bodies (too much salt - setting them up for heart attacks later on in life! Too much sugar - crashes in sugar levels will send them spiralling! And so on, and so on…)

Snacking is the hardest part for me - watching them devour family sized bags of crisps, bags of sweets, and fizzy drinks. I refuse to ban anything (and never label foods as ‘bad’, ‘good’, or ‘treats’ - not out-loud anyway!) so go with it, but I find it so hard and fear I drop the odd comment to try and put them off consuming these things.

I JUST WANT THE BEST FOR THEM! I’m trying, and learning and unlearning - hence following yourself. But it’s so hard! Especially when you have other ‘experts’ screaming about the ‘dangers’ of processed foods - and killer cake! I also want my boys to have the best mental health they can have too, and diet has been shown to aid or hinder this, so surely I should be steering them clear of the crisps, sweets and sodas? Or at least confining them to the weekend only? But then that would be me controlling and restricting their intake, but surely that’s okay if I have their best interests at heart?????????? Arrggghhhh!!! I need to lighten up, I know I do, but it’s so f*#$ing hard and physically pains me! So, what is the best way forward to help my sons have a good all round diet and healthy attitude to food?

Yikes. OK. I think we all need to take a deep breath here because I suspect this parent is verbalising what a lot of people are thinking.

~SuG*R CrASH3S~. PrOCe$S£D F00D. s a l t. f*ZzY DrInKs.

We hear, pretty much daily, that these things are going to kill our kids. I get it, it sounds scary. And all every parent wants is to keep their kids safe.

And I’m wondering, how, in amongst all the noise, the rules, the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ things to feed your kids - where is the space to heal your own relationship to food? I don’t know a ton about your background or your experiences, because you’ve asked me about your kids. But, I’m left wondering about your relationship with food.

Because ultimately, I think that’s the work.

You say that you have battled with eating disorders and you are learning and unlearning a lot at the moment. And yet, I can still feel so much anxiety around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. It makes me wonder - where is all this noise coming from?

Sometimes when we are working on healing our relationship with food, we unconsciously seek out more and more nutrition information. Our brains do this weird thing where we try to find ‘proof’ that diet culture was right! The food rules, the diets, the ‘experts’ were right all along. And even though my body holds all the evidence that it was VERY BAD for me, I need something more certain to cling to. I can’t tell you the number of times a client has asked for my take on some nutrition-y podcast or news story and my take is always the same: why are you doing this to yourself?

And I think this is the (very annoying and upsetting and difficult) question you might have to sit with.