Dear Laura… How can I stop eating my feelings?

Hey team - welcome to ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to submit a question for me to answer next month - then you can leave it as a comment below or submit it here.

I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, developing a more peaceful relationship to food and weight-inclusive health, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.

Please remember that this answer is for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for medical or nutritional advice; please speak to your GP or a qualified nutrition professional if you need further support. (I have a limited number of family nutrition spots available from September - if you’d like to work with me then you can email hello@laurathomasphd.co.uk to book a preliminary call to see how I might be able to help you.)

I’m a mum to a 4 year old who has just started reception and 6 month old baby. I have really struggled with the transition from 1 kid to 2. I am exhausted from night feeds (I’m breastfeeding so harder to share the load), and stressed out trying to juggle my freelance work with a baby who only wants to nap on me. My partner works long hours, meaning I have to do a lot of the ‘witching hour’ parenting on my own and we don’t have family nearby for help. I constantly feel like I’m drowning and find myself comfort eating to cope. I catch myself sneaking biscuits when cooking the kids’ tea and the only thing that helps me get through bedtime and bathtime is the promise of a big bar of Dairy Milk. I’m really struggling with the changes to my body (moreso this time around). Even though I should know better by now, I feel tempted by Noom or some other diet that claims it can help me stop eating my feelings. Can you talk me down?

Emotional eating. Stress Eating. Comfort eating.

Whatever we call it, it’s one of the most common experiences that clients have shared with me over the years. I don’t say that to minimise how you’re feeling, but just to say that I get it. And I’m pretty sure this question will resonate with a whole bunch of people, with kids or not.

As usual, I don’t have all the details here and I will do my best to give lots of options, with the caveat that I can’t guarantee that this will be the exact right fit for you, or for anyone reading who recognises something similar in their experiences. That said, I hope it gives you some suggestions to get curious about.

First up, I just want to validate how much you are carrying. It’s a lot. It sounds like you’re doing the bulk of childcare without the support of a co-parent or family network. Plus you’re trying to juggle work with a really young baby around. I’m just sending a ton of compassion your way because this is so, so hard. And we were never meant to parent in this disconnected, hyper individualised, kind of way.

I’m also not going to give you any parenting advice because I don’t know your situation. Sure, it would be great to pass the baby to a friend for a few hours to let you work or have some downtime, but maybe that’s not possible logistically, or because it feels hard to pass your baby to someone to take care of. Again, I don’t know the particulars of your situation. so I’m going to stick to my remit, which is food.

Upfront - my goal is never to stop people from eating for comfort - even when it might be their goal. My approach is to help people come to a new understanding of their emotional eating. First we have to understand what purpose or function comfort eating is serving, then we need to make sure that we’re not pathologising our (normal, human) hunger, because that’s what diet culture has taught us to do. Then we can go on to see what other coping skills we might need to develop for when things are feeling hard. This is a long one so buckle in.