Dear Laura... How can I get my teen to stop eating everything in sight?

Welcome to ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to send in a question for me to answer next month - then you can submit it here.

I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, developing a more peaceful relationship to food and weight-inclusive health, annoying diet trends and news stories, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.

Please remember that these answers are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical or nutritional advice; please speak to your GP or a qualified nutrition professional if you need further support.

Let's take a look at this month's question - it's a long one, and we've had to edit it down a bit:

Dear Laura,

I am writing not about myself but about my eldest daughter. She is 14 and having had a journey over the last year which saw me (hand over eyes with shame and wishing I could take this back) at one point sit her down and tell her that being overweight is not the end of the world but not medically recommended and I would help her reduce her weight. Followed by, about a month later, once her dad and I had done some research into intuitive eating and health at every size, sitting her down for another heart-to-heart apologizing for all the mistakes I made. I explained how her dad and I completely embrace Health At Every Size and Intuitive Eating and all bodies are good bodies and have had numerous chats since then explaining that we're doing our best/are a product of diet culture ourselves and despite best intentions gave her bad advice.

My specific concerns include trying to manage my teenage daughter’s appetite and attempting to swing the pendulum back from restriction to intuitive eating. I know that I need to leave it for a while (it's been a few months, but am I to leave her for 14 more years?) I heard somewhere that it might take as long as it took thus far to undo the damage. So does that mean 14 years of potentially gaining a huge more amount of weight? While I am not worried about being slim or a particular body size, I am concerned about potential outcomes on her physicality. She plays ball sports once a week in a club and we believe enjoys moving her body (albeit sometimes reluctantly). However it is clear her size is beginning to impact the way she runs and her stamina and she seems to be getting more tired. Our daughter perceives herself as sporty but simultaneously perceives herself as "definitely bigger'. 

Our daughter is definitely not slim and probably categorized as overweight, if not ob*se. We are secretly freaking out but we are quietly watching/noting our fat-phobia/acknowledging our background and making sure to say nothing. Just encouraging her to eat intuitively and move joyfully and try to make available the food of the house as in the responsibilities mentioned by Ellyn Satter.

However, I am unable to find any advice on how to deal with the potential increase in weight with a newly found freedom in a 14-year-old who is not yet an adult and not quite a small child and will eat four slices of cake at a time and three helpings of my rice and chicken dish or pasta and insist that's what her body is calling for. And have juice on the side followed by chocolate milk she made herself and some Haribos and bars as snacks in between. Is it enough to repeat 'where are you on the hunger meter/listen to your body/give it 10 minutes etc’? I get a lot of eye rolls and 'yes I'm definitely starving'. I hear all of the advice that she cannot and will not continue to eat forever and probably won't. But in the meantime it's having a direct impact and I'm wondering where I can draw lines. I have said to the kids I prefer to avoid a lot of glucose syrup and what it does to you and I try to avoid artificial sweeteners if possible.

My two other kids are 12 and 10 and are much more intuitive. They will turn down sweets if they feel full and seem to have a genuine connection to their gut, which is beautiful to observe. I am convinced I destroyed this in my first child and effectively pressed override when I would sit her in her high chair and essentially force her to get through the meal I had made her by distracting her and forcing one more spoonful into her mouth, because it obviously was all about proving how 'good' a mom I was, something I genuinely regret and wished I had come across feeding competence rules back then. 

Without dwelling too much on the past, but acknowledging where we've come from, we are truly a little lost. She seems insatiable because she probably is insatiable because of all the restrictions. So I have to let that play out I guess. But how much and for how long and with what limits? This I don't know…

I first of all just want to extend so much care and compassion to this reader. Having to admit to our kids when we’ve fucked up is really, really hard and lots of us didn’t have that modelled to us as children. It sounds like you’ve been on quite a journey with your own understanding of diet culture, anti-fat bias, Intuitive Eating, and Health at Every Size. 

And – not to put too fine a point on it – but I think this is a you problem, not a her problem.