Dear Laura... how do I stop fat shaming my partner's kid?

Hey team - welcome back to ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to submit a question for me to answer next month - then you can do that here. I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.

Okay, so let’s get to this month’s reader’s question. And just to note - this question has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

I've been big all my life (ob*se according to the NHS), I'm now 31 and have a loving partner who has a nearly 5 year old son. I find myself internally fat shaming him - something which I've been fortunate enough to never be on the receiving end of much as a child or an adult! It's really sad because it comes out of worry that he will be restricted in what he can do or will get bullied (playing in the park he lacked agility when climbing, however after 3 weeks of running at football camp in the summer he was able to climb up the frame higher!). We take him for walks and to the park and he experiences new things with us. But I do worry that he just gets fed constantly at my boyfriend's house by his Nan (boyfriend’s mam). 1st picnic my boyfriend made [for us] he done 2 sandwiches made with 4 slices of bread and full size Pepperamis.

For background: my boyfriend's mam is a feeder! In the house is her, her husband, 3 grown up sons (only 1 of whom is formally diagnosed autistic), grandson every other weekend and dog. All have been ‘overweight’ at some point, even the dog is (due to treats as he is walked miles). I did use to think “wtf why are you like this?” until I found out when she was in hospital diagnosed as terminally ill when her 3 sons (incl my boyfriend) were in school, the dad served sausage, egg + chips every night. I don't know if overfeeding is to compensate?

I appreciate it's amazing that my boyfriend sees his son and feeds him but I do think, what the hell, you are just making health problems worse for all of you!

I should add that losing weight recently has helped my boyfriend as his asthma and fitness has improved and he has stopped snoring. I am personally just a few lbs off the fattest but fittest I have ever been. However if I lose a few lbs my acid reflux isn't as bad - also my joints are better.

I feel awful for looking at his son thinking “wow, he should lose weight” when I know myself all the research points to being loving and kind, etc (not to say ‘ooh don't eat that, you need to lose weight, blah, blah’).

I've noticed his son is happy when eating, which is how I've been before, so it is worrying as an adult to see this and hopefully in a few years if I had children I would want to be an intuitive eater myself so I can pass this on.

My bfs son when at his dad's house sees his dad drinking shakes (protein drinks) or big meals, pepsi, uncle who is autistic eating set meals, then other family members eating big meals and ‘unhealthy’ snacks, fizzy pop, ice cream, chocolate....not much fruit

I can see myself having a child with my bf maybe in 2/3 years however his family would need telling a menu for my baby as I don't think they know that kids eat different portion sizes. My bf has asked his mam to make smaller (child) portions for his son but are you going to keep saying this when you have free childcare on tap?

His son suffers gut problems and asthma. I suffer from IBS and have recently tried FODMAP (wish I had earlier!) and discovered garlic and onion seem to be triggers. I’ve said before to my bf that his son may have sensitivities, etc. I think he might be feeding emotions, and therefore not feeling fullness cues. I've recently upped my protein to help me feel full, I never knew that at [a higher weight] you need more to help you feel full than [at a lower weight]!

Re bf’s son: he doesn't moan when walking, his mam is a single mother of him + 2 babies so I think they probably get places by foot quite a bit as I know buggies are hard to get on buses!

Please do you have any advice? I feel awful. I am on a low income due to suffering mental health problems (I'm in receipt of benefits). I try to follow intuitive eating and exercise, have listened to the Just Eat It audiobook but worry that my unresolved issues with food may impact my bf’s son (the first child I am "learning" to love - I never look at friend’s children and worry about them because they are active and eat different foods and because I have loved them from birth.....my bf’s son I am just getting to know, it’s only been 8 months since we first met! He is cute, I will incl a photo!)

I can confirm that this kiddo is indeed, extremely cute. And looks like a really happy little dude.

This feels like a really complex situation, and I just want to name that I don’t know that I have all the answers here and I’d be really keen to hear from CIHAS community members as to how they’d approach this and if they have any thoughts or advice for this reader. It feels important for me to acknowledge my own financial and educational privilege here too.

This family has been through an absolutely terrifying and traumatising experience where they thought they were going to lose their mum. It sounds like they were in pure survival mode and did what they needed to do to cope. And meeting the needs of three kids - including an autistic child, places strain on any family.

It’s also clear that you care for this kiddo and want them to be a part of your life. Your question comes from a place of love and concern and wanting to do the right thing by your new family.

There is a lot to this question and I can’t speak to all of it but I can pull out two main threads here:

• Your own internalised anti-fat bias
• This kiddo’s physical development and nutrition

These are all interconnected and it’s hard to know where to start, but I think the most salient bit for me is working on your own anti-fat bias.